Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Like Bill like Hill

It looks like Norman Hsu, a wealthy New Yorker, has possibly been funneling donations to Hillary Clinton's campaign through a middle-class Californian family - the Paws. (Read the article here.) Remembering some of Bill's unethical fund-raising, I can't say I'm surprised.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

project 1

In the near future, I'll hopefully be chronicling a few projects that I'd like to do. This is the first: a hollowed out book. I started with this Physician's Desk Reference that I picked up for a couple of bucks at the Goodwill:


I measured a half-inch from the edge of the pages and started going to work with an exacto knife.


It took a few minutes here and there in the evenings, but I eventually got it finished. As you can tell from the following picture, my edges are a little rough. I think this was due to a combination of my technique and my quickly dulling blades.


After all the cutting was done, I glued the back cover on, mixed some Elmer's glue with water (1:1), and soaked the inside of the pages. That allows for the book to solidify, but when it's closed, the pages can still be minimally thumbed so as to appear normal. Now all I have to do is find something worth hiding in here.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

my near-death experience

When I was 20, I worked for a painting company in Phoenix. We basically were contracted by apartment buildings to white-wash the walls of their units when tenants left. It was a small outfit owned by an ex-girlfriend’s older brother. I think he was about 26 at the time. There were only 5 or 6 of us, all in our twenties, and I was the new guy. I’d been working there about a week when, unbeknownst to me, they decided that I needed an initiation.

Winter mornings are cold in the desert, and this morning was no exception. I showed up at my first appointment for the day – a second floor, 2 bedroom in downtown Phoenix. I walked into the apartment with my equipment and was about to survey the place when I heard a sudden commotion behind me. I spun around in time to see my colleagues rushing toward me from the nearby bedroom. They tackled me face first on the carpet and pinned me down. I fought as hard as I could, but there were four guys, all bigger and older than me, intent on submitting me. All my struggling merely earned rug burns on my face, arms, and knees. My wrists and arms were soon rope-burned as they hastily tied my hands behind my back. My ankles were then tightly wrapped with the same nylon cord, and I was hoisted up on their shoulders like a spitted pig. They headed out into the cold morning air, and started down the stairs. I struggled a little, but soon realized that if they dropped me here, on the cement stairs, I’d probably break something.

Once we were down on the grass, I resumed my struggling. I managed to kick my shoes off, as well as most of the rope that bound my ankles together. It was then that I spotted our destination: the dormant swimming pool near the center of the property. I struggled harder and managed to get dropped on the grass a time or two, but they were resolute in their intentions, and plucked me back up each time. The opened the metal gate and I knew that my resistance was futile. Two seconds later I was face down in the icy water. It was colder than I’d imagined it would be, and I was still for a moment as the initial shock wore off. I tried to stand, but quickly realized that I couldn’t move very efficiently under the water…especially with my hands tied behind my back. I never realized how essential your arms are to righting yourself underwater. I tried rolling to get my head up, but I was still under the surface. Now I was getting scared. I kicked my legs repeatedly trying to get my body upright, but I couldn’t quite touch the bottom of the pool and my body kept leveling back out. I kept kicking, and just as I began to think that I was going to drown in an income-restricted, moderately-priced apartment complex’s pool in downtown Phoenix, I finally got a toe-hold on the bottom. I quickly righted myself, pushed myself upward, and gulped the fresh air as I broke the surface of the water. I worked my way to the shallow end as the guys rushed over to help me. The grins and smirks were gone and they all looked genuinely scared as they cut my hands free. I lay down on the cold cement for awhile catching my breath. The group’s trepidation was soon displaced by nervous laughter and concerned sentiments:

“I guess that wasn’t too smart, huh, Phil?”
“It was Jeremiah’s idea.”
“Well, I’m glad you didn’t drown, because I really didn’t want to jump into that cold water after you!”
“Well, this was better than the other ideas we had for you!”

I picked up my shoes as we headed back toward the apartment. Once inside, I stripped down to my underwear and threw all my clothes into the dryer. The one good thing about this “initiation” was the fact that Jeremiah (my boss) had brought Krispy Kreme donuts and orange juice. As we ate, I learned of two other brilliant ideas that they’d had in case this one didn’t work. They had thought about tying me up in a similar fashion, tossing me into the back of a pickup, and then racing around an empty parking lot somewhere. Their other idea also had me tied up in said fashion, only with an extra length of rope wrapped around my chest and under my arms. This rope they would tie to a third floor apartment railing, and then dump me over the side leaving me to hang for a while. Of the three plans, I thought this to be the worst by far, with the pool toss coming as a close second.

I finished eating and checked on my clothes. Still wet. Everyone left to start their days as I broke out the paint and started working. By the time I finished, my clothes had dried, so I got dressed, packed up my things, and headed to the next apartment.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

from the mouths of...microbiologists

Here’s a gem from one of my coworkers:
“Hey, you know that show Simpsons?”
“Yeah.”
“What’s Marge’s last name? You know the blue-haired lady?”
Are you kidding me? “Umm…I believe it’s…Simpson.”
“Wha…OH! Haha!”

This nugget was from the same person (bear in mind, (s)he is a scientist):
“You know that natural gas stuff?”
“Yes.”
“Well, it comes from the ground, right?”
“Yes.”
“Well, when we use it, does it...like...grow...itself...more?”
Yes, that’s exactly what it does. It grows itself more.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

iGoogle

I’ve talked before about how I love Google. Well, I’ve just discovered a new application. It’s called iGoogle. I know what you’re thinking: another “i-thing” is just what we need. But this one is actually pretty helpful (and not owned by Apple, which has to count for something, right?). iGoogle is basically a one-stop quick reference website that you design yourself. To satisfy your curiosity, here is a screenshot of what mine looks like:


Basically, you select from hundreds of available widgets, and then you can arrange them on your page however you like. I opted for a clock, calendar, weather report, Bible search tool, Fox News updates, Dilbert comics, Word of the Days, and Einstein Quotes of the Day.
You can also add multiple tabs for different material. I, for example, have a “Maps” tab with links to Mapquest, Google Maps, etc.
It definitely saves time. With one click I can see my local weather, look up a verse I’ve been trying to remember all day, Google search for a scientific paper I’m looking for, or get driving directions to a restaurant I’m taking Beth to later.
Now all I need is a Google dog-walker and I’m all set.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

you gotta see this

This is the funniest Skittles commercial I've ever seen!

black's the new white

If you haven't heard, Google has gone green. Or, more precisely, black. In order to combat rampant global energy usage, Google has introduced a black-screened counter-part that they've aptly named Blackle. Last time I was there, they'd claimed to have saved nearly 150,000 kwh already. Do your part and go Blackle.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

this one's for the geeks


Michael Feld and associates at MIT have developed a new three-dimensional microscopy method by which they can view live cells/organisms at extremely high resolutions with no preparation and without having to alter or hurt the subject. (Pictured above is C. elegans, one of the least harmful of the parasitic nematodes, imaged using their new method.)

Here is the article if you’re interested in reading it, which I’m sure you all will be!

Monday, August 13, 2007

Why Men are Happier

Our last name stays put.
The garage belongs to us.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
We can never get pregnant.
We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Heck, we can wear NO shirt to the water park.
Car mechanics tell us the truth.
We never have to drive to the next gas station restroom because the one we’re at is too icky.
We don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress: $2000. Tuxedo: $100 rental.
People don’t stare at our chest when they talk to us.
The occasional well-rendered belch is not only appreciated by our friends, but practically expected.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
One hormone system for all stages of our life.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
We know stuff about tanks and guns.
A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
We can open our own jars.
We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
Our underwear is only $8.95 for a three-pack.
We almost never have strap problems in public.
We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
We only have to shave our face.
We can play with toys all our life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
We can wear shorts no matter how our legs look.
We can fix our nails with a pocket knife.
We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
We can do all of our Christmas shopping on December 24th in 25 minutes flat.

Hat tip Fundamental Forums.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Prevailing.

As darkness fades, he wakes at dawn
The dusty air inhaling.
He drops his head to say a prayer
For what the day’s entailing.
No dew nor drop of water near
His thirst is yet unfailing.
He sees his fallen comrades near
And knows we’re unavailing.
They cannot win the conflict here
With those back home derailing
Their every victory and advance
And every plan detailing.

It saddens me that here at home
Some insist “We’re failing!
But I’m the answer, vote for me”
Their true intentions veiling.
And others still fight for the rights
Of those we should be jailing,
And some don’t like it when we watch
The ones that we’re surveilling
“For they’ve got rights as much as we.”
Our laws are not availing
The capture of these wretched men
While they’re all out regaling.

And still our boys are far from home
The enemy assailing
Risking life and spilling blood
While Congress calls for bailing.
The only way we’ll win abroad
Is if we stop the railing
Support the troops, and in the war
We’ll finally be prevailing.

-P. Ellis

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

could you repeat that?

We enter the Thai restaurant.

Matt heard:
Thai waitress: “Blah blah blah?”
Matt: “Excuse me?”
Thai waitress: “Blah blah blah?”
Matt (a little embarrassed): “I’m sorry, what did you say?”
Thai waitress: “Are you right or left handed?”
Matt (nervously): “I’m…right-handed…”
Thai waitress: “Umm…”
Matt (whispers): “Phil, help.”
Phil (laughing): “No, we don’t have reservations.”

I heard:
Thai waitress: “Do you have reservations?”
Matt: “Excuse me?”
Thai waitress: “Do you have reservations?”
Matt (a little embarrassed): “I’m sorry, what did you say?”
Thai waitress: “Do you have reservations?”
Matt (nervously): “I’m…right-handed…”

Priceless.

Friday, August 3, 2007

Pavlov's beep

I used to work for a medical laser company based out of Stuart, FL. We would bring our lasers to the ORs of local hospitals and assist the surgeons during operations. I live in Melbourne, but the area I covered stretched from Cape Canaveral to Ft. Lauderdale. I drove at least as far as Port St. Lucie three times a week.

We used 4 types of lasers, each for different applications: YAG, Holmium, KTP, and CO2. Oftentimes at the end of a work day, I’d have to drive down to Stuart to swap whatever lasers I had in my van for the ones I’d need the next day. Taking into consideration the volatility of operating schedules, you can imagine surgeries were constantly being cancelled, rescheduled, and postponed. There were many times that I would drive the 1.5 hours down south, switch out lasers, and then drive back home, only to have the schedules change. I’d have to turn around and drive back down to get a different laser…sometimes the one that I had just dropped off. Other days I’d get home from a long day, only to be called and told I need to be in Okeechobee or Port St. John within a couple of hours for an “emergency” surgery.

During the 11 months that I worked for the laser company, I was on-call every night, every weekend, and every holiday. I remember one Saturday morning in particular, my friends and I had planned an off-shore fishing trip, but I got a call early Saturday morning that I needed to be in surgery at 8am. My friends left for the boat drop without me. I waited at the hospital for almost an hour before the surgery was cancelled. I jumped in my van and started speeding toward the drop to see if I could catch my friends before they shoved off. I was still in my scrubs, but I didn’t care, I just wanted to fish. I called all of their cell phones, but I had missed them by about 20 minutes. Serenity now.

Through it all…the long drives and short weekends, the on-call nights and the paranoia that I’d missed a call for a surgery…through all of it, the medium through which I was tethered to this life of unpredictability was my stupid Nextel phone and its insidious push-to-talk *beep beep.* I would cringe every time I heard that sound, because I just that it meant that I was about to drive a few more hours, or I’d be missing a fun weekend get-together. I began to really loathe that sound and my heart would skip a beat every time I’d hear it.

It’s been nearly 3.5 years since I’ve worked for that company or had a Nextel phone, but I heard the beeping the other day, and for a fleeting moment all those old feelings of anxiety and annoyance whelmed within me. I knew it wasn’t my phone and I wasn’t going to have to drive to Miami, but I guess I still have some pretty strong emotions tied to that sound that have yet to subside.

If only I could get the neighbor kid to mow my lawn when he hears a phone ring…